


i still fucking love you babe

by kipsy



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), dreamnotfound - Fandom, mcyt
Genre: Boys In Love, Brotherly Love, Declarations Of Love, Dorks in Love, F/M, Falling In Love, First Love, Friendship/Love, Idiots in Love, Love, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, M/M, True Love, Unrequited Love, dreamwastaken - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:07:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28650999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kipsy/pseuds/kipsy
Summary: fanfic of the internal struggle of one's past lover loving someone else. inspired by the song drivers license by olivia rodrigo! also inspired by heatwaves in a way :.)
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), dreamnotfound - Relationship
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> each chapter is gonna be from a different character's perspective! i'm excited to see how this works out :)

** Sapnap **

* * *

Sapnap's hands fumbled through the filled notebook hastily. He was looking for something specific. He had never felt this way before. It wasn't rage or hatred, but envy and pain. He felt insanely guilty about it. 

His fingers suddenly stopped, and he turned back one page to reveal what he was looking for.

_I love you Nick_

**_i love u too clay_ **

He stared blankly at the scribbled sentences, the page wrinkled from age. He always considered his mom a hoarder for keeping all his school notebooks, and now he regretted it. He reread the words, over and over again, pain overwhelming his body. Tears filled his eyes, but he did not let them fall. He shut the book closed and turned his body over to the pillow and sobbed. Sobbed until it all went black.

_The dark is comforting,_

Sapnap thought as he gripped his pillow even harder. It was a place where no one could bother him. A place to rest. A place to think. 

How could he feel so empty and full at the same time? He went back to a few minutes ago, logging into Minecraft and reading the Discord VCs.

General #2:  
Dream

GeorgeNotFound

He knew he shouldn't be angry. But he wasn't, right? He didn't know what came over him. Recently, the more time George and Dream spent together, the less close him and Dream were. He knew it was partially his fault. He loved both equally, but differently. He knew he shouldn't be jealous of the amount of time George and Dream spent together. He knew he would always be welcomed to join, he just couldn't bring himself to do that. He didn't know what he would become. Just now, he ripped open boxes from his youth to read his old self's and Dream's conversation from over eight years ago. _He still loves me,_ Sapnap thought, _But not the same._

Sapnap gathered himself, gulped, and sat by his computer. The LED lights flashed on and lightened his once pitch-black room. Discord popped up,

General #2:  
Dream (Muted)

He gritted his teeth.

_Sapnap Joined the Game_

<Dream> vc2

Sapnap swiftly joined the VC, excited to finally talk to Dream. Alone.

"Clay!" Sapnap giggled. His anxiety and envy melted away as he heard Clay's soft laughter.

"Sapnap, we were waiting for you!" He said, his voice spoke softly and happily.

"We?"

"George and I."

His feelings immediately came back.

"Oh."

"Oh, what?" Clay questioned, "What's a matter, Sapnap?"

"Nothing, I just missed _you,_ I guess." Sapnap said, his voice sounding confused,"I mean, I love George, but I miss us."

"Sapnap, what do you mean us? We're here right now. We were here last night." 

"It's not the same, Clay, I miss when we were kids." Sapnap regretted diving into the emotions. He didn't want to talk about them. He knew Clay was uncomfortable, and he didn't like that either.

"Yeah, but we're not. I know we don't hang out as much, but we still love each other. At least I do," 

"Clay, don't even. You know I love you too, but it feels distant. Like when," Sapnap paused, "Like when it is distant."

"We haven't seen each other in a while sure, but we will. Soon." 

"You don't have this problem with George. You've never even met the guy, yet you too are closer than me and you ever were."

"That's not true. Sapnap, you were my best friend as a kid and still are. I know me and George have been hanging a lot but I still love you.. "

"I know. It's unfair of me to say that." Sapnap took in a deep breath, "I'm sorry. I know you're trying. I just want to talk more. I'm sorry I said that."

"No, it's ok. I know we've been distant, and I'm sorry too. I should've made more of an effort to talk to you." Clay responded, his voice clearly reflecting his words.

"Yeah, same."

"We good?"

"Yeah, we're good."

* * *

Clay

Clay shook his head as he ended his call with Sapnap. Guilt engulfed his body. He should've been there for him, but his feelings for George Were too strong. He loved Sapnap like a brother and George... like something else. Clays fingernails burrowed into his palms, sweat racing down his forehead. He couldn't get him out of his head. His smile, his laugh, his hands. What would George think? Would he return Clay's complex feelings? How would he react when Clay tells him he and his girlfriend broke up because of him. Clay couldn't bring himself to think of what would happen if George didn't return his feelings. What if he was against all together? What if he didn't think of Clay in that sense? What would happen to their friendship? Clay bit his tongue. He couldn't think about it anymore.

He glanced at Patches, laying peacefully in the moonlight. Clay made his way over.

Stroking Patches' fur released all his anxiety. A smile swept over his face. He needed to talk to someone. Sapnap came to mind first. Maybe this is just what they needed, to see each other. What else did Clay have to do, he felt tired of Minecraft. A sentence he thought he'd never say, but it was true. Endless hours spent on a block game does get tiring. He still loved it, just needed a break. He considered the pros and cons then decided it didn't matter. He was going to Texas.


	2. driving past your street

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sapnap and dream try to rekindle their friendship.

**Sapnap**

_"Clayyy!" Sapnap exclaimed, running his fingers through his dark, fluffy brown hair. "I got it! I got my driver's license!!"_

_"Nick, for real? Holy shit, congrats!" Clay replied with equal energy._

_"I'm coming right now. I'll be there in thirteen hours."_

_"Nick, stop." Clay laughed, "We'll meet halfway."_

_Sapnap could barely contain his excitement as he should at the rest stop halfway between Houston and Orlando. The warm breeze of a May night hit him pleasantly. He was finally gonna meet Clay again. It had been years since they had last seen each other after he moved. Minecraft was fun and sleep calls were amazing, but meeting up was surreal. He pranced his fingers on his dashboard. He checked the clock,_

2:00 AM

_His mom must be worried, but he didn't have a care in the world. He was gonna see Clay. His Clay. His head turned suddenly when he saw headlights enter the empty parking lot, brights on. Sapnap smiled the biggest smile he had in his entire life and hopped out of the car._

_"Clay!"_

"Move!" 

Sapnap frantically opened his eyes, faced with a bright green light. The honking behind him woke him up with a fright. He rubbed his eyes once, then sped off. His cheeks were bright red with embarrassment. How long was he sitting there? He checked the clock.

3:00 AM

He shook his head. He had been driving for a little over twelve hours, awake for twenty-four. His eyes fluttered with exhaustion, but he knew better than to close them. He watched as he sped past the cars, his eyes focused on the moon straight ahead. It was just a sliver, but it managed to illuminate the whole sky. Even with Sapnap's blurred vision, he managed to make out a road sign, ORLANDO 30 MILES.

He was almost there. _I can make it._ He thought as he cranked the radio up louder. Driver's License came on.

_You said forever, now I drive alone past your street._

Sapnap winced at the words.

_You said forever, now I drive alone past your street._

The song ended, but Sapnap grabbed his phone and replayed it. The song was too tempting.

 _I got my driver's license last week  
Just like we always talked about  
'Cause you were so excited for me  
To finally drive up to your house  
But today I drove through the suburbs  
Crying 'cause you weren't around  
_The words seemed too real. 

_Red lights_   
_Stop signs_   
_I still see your face_   
_In the white cars_   
_Front yards_   
_Can't drive past the places_   
_We used to_   
_Go to_   
_'Cause I still fucking love you, babe_

"I still fucking love you, Clay."

* * *

** Clay **

The excitement wasn't the word Clay would use to describe his emotions. Actually, he didn't have one. He knew he had to get to Sapnap, whatever it took. He glanced over to his phone.

3:03 AM

The numbers and his background featuring Patches disappeared and George's face popped up. _Incoming Call_

"Hello?" 

"Hi." 

George's voice made Clay relax and finally smile.

"What's up, George?" asked Clay.

"Just wondering where you were. You haven't been on the SMP in, like, ten hours." 

Clay hesitated for a second. Should he tell George? Would George be upset he wasn't invited?

"I'm going to Sapnap's. To surprise him." Clay admitted.

"Oh." At first, George sounded disappointed. Then he continued to say, "Say hi Mogwai, Lilly, Strom, and Cash for me!!"

"I will," Clay remembered the furry little orange cat, Mogwai. Pain in the ass, but he was cute. Clay loved cats, but he also loved Cash. Ever since he met the pup, he's been thinking of getting one himself but he knew Patchs wouldn't like it.

"Do you want to go?" George asked.  
"No. I like the company. This drive gets so boring."

"How many times have you driven it?" 

"Not a lot, usually we meet in the middle," Clay said, a pang of sadness hitting as he realized Sapnap's words were right."But I haven't gone to see him in a while. I feel bad."

"Is that why you're going? Spur of the moment?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Is something up with you two? I saw you guys talking last night."

"Well, Sapnap was just upset with me because we haven't really talked. I deflected it though. But we really haven't. I mean, we've been best friends for years. He was talking about how he missed me, and I said me too. I really do miss him."

George was obviously at a loss for words. He didn't really know what to say. He was best friends with both of them, but he knew their roots went back way further.

"Sorry to make you uncomfortable, George. It's just that... I-I think Sapnap's getting a little...jealous...of our relationship." Clay stuttered.

"Relationship? But we're all friends. Sapnap knows that." 

_Friends._ That words stung Clay worse than George could ever imagine. It was like all his body functions shutting down at once. It was equivalent to the feeling of being pushed down by a huge wave, unable to break the surface. The feeling of the rigid sand combined with the panic of water filling your lungs. The inability to raise, no matter how hard you try. But you keep going, harder and harder to no avail. The fear you might never-

"Clay?"

"Sorry, I'm sorry." Clay stammered. He focused his eyes back at the empty road, trying to avoid another speeding ticket.

"It's ok. Here, I gotta go but here's a song to listen to. Sapnap's vibing to it right now." 

Clay said his goodbyes and turned up the radio. The car engine sounds started. 

_I got my driver's license last week_   
_Just like we always talked about_   
_'Cause you were so excited for me_   
_To finally drive up to your house_   
_But today I drove through the suburbs_   
_Crying 'cause you weren't around_

_Is Sapnap trying to say something?_ Clay thought as he listened to the lyrics, each one going deeper and deeper to the feeling of a lost relationship and jealousy. Clay tried to brush off the similarities to the song and what was happening between the trio, but it only got accurate as of the song. He wanted to call Sapnap and tell him that they were just kids, but something held him back. The song unlocked an unfamiliar memory to Clay of him and Sapnap when they were younger.

_< Dream> PandasCanPVP_

_< Dream> PandasCanPVP_

_< Dream> PandasCanPVP_

_< Dream> PandasCanPVP_

_< PandasCanPVP> whattt_

_< Dream> I love youuuu_

_< PandasCanPVP> love u 2_

Clay shook his head. Yeah, he's always had a thing for his gender, but he was bi. He went back to his past girlfriend, who was recently struggling again. He offered as much support as he could, but that relationship kinda turned him back to men again. His feelings for George were nothing like his feelings for her. His feelings for Geroge were just...indescribable. The memories, his laugh, their friendship. He loved every second of it. Even when they fought, it would always go back to being fine. George was his perfect match.

Or was he? As he kept thinking, he remembered the memories he and Sapnap had. Just the same. Sapnap's giggle brightened Clay's mood every single day. Before youtube, before the fame, all they did was chat. Sometimes until the sun rose, sometimes past. Sleep calls were Sapnap's favorite. He said he loved the feeling of waking up to see Clay's face. Clay let go a subtle smile as he thought of how close they once were. His whole life he was longing to have someone like this, closer than family. He was Sapnap's favorite person, and Sapnap was his. Now looking at the trio dynamic, Clay didn't have a favorite. He couldn't decide between the two. But he knew George and Sapnap could. They were all extremely close. They really were. It was just... _different._

* * *

_Sapnap ran put to Clay's car. Sapnap embraced Clay. Clay grabbed his hair, and as he did it sparked some kind of feeling in Sapnap. Heat flooded throughout his body. He had never felt this way before. The smell of Clay made his stomach flutter, the feeling of his breath made Sapnap blush._

_"Nick..." Clay breathed. Sapnap's heartbeat grew faster and faster until he opened his eyes. He was meant with the purest, emerald eyes. They shined in the moonlight, touching his soul. Their eyes locked and before Sapnap could respond, Clay pulled him in further. Their lips locked._

_Nick's whole body froze, he tensed up but only for a moment. A millisecond. He relaxed, calmed, as Clay stroked his hair, caressed his cheek. Clay pulled away, leaving Nick wanting more. His smirk was so enticing it was hard to resist, but Nick held back._

_"So." Clay said so matter-a-factly, "What's up?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stop i will never be writing something like that again. the second hand-firsthand?- embarrassment was so extreme. there will be no sex scenes, i repeat, no sex scenes. anyway, i speed-wrote this so i could get more kudos they make me happy. idek where this story is going so we'll find out together. anyway, I'm not sure about sapnap's pets' names i hope i got them right but who knows. hope u guys enjoyed and also every chapter will be this fast-paced i have a very short attention span/


	3. and I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sapnap struggles with what to say to clay.

* * *

**Sapnap**

As he walked up the stone steps of Clay's humble abode, he hesitated. The lights were all off, and his car was missing from the driveway. It was almost four am, where would Clay be? Clay wasn't the type to party.

Sapnap cracked his fingers, tried to smile, and gently knocked on the door. No reply. Was he asleep? Sapnap knew Clay's sleep schedule, and four am was most definitely a 'talk to George' hour. Sapnap felt like he was about to pass out from exhaustion but he kept steady. The May breeze was brisk, and he was surprised by the coldness. His 5in inseam shorts and his panda merch shirt were not cut out for this weather. He shivered and headed back to his car. He picked up his phone, the light almost blinded him. Squinting his eyes, he texted Clay over Imessage. 

hey where r u>

_..._

<texas.

Sapnap couldn't believe his eyes. He quickly called Clay, fear clenching his jaw.

"Tell me you did not drive to Texas."

"Huh?" Clay's confused voice came back, "I thought it would be a nice surprise."

"Clay." Sapnap groaned, "I'm literally at your house."

"Oh fuck."

"Yeah, oh fuck."

The two stayed silent on the call for what felt like eternity until Clay said;

"Do you want to meet at the place we meant when you first got your license?"

Sapnap bit his tongue. _Holy shit._ He thought. _This can not be happening._

"Yes, of course!" Sapnap's mood immediately brightened, his lack of sleep seemed irrelevant, "Be there in seven hours."

He heard Clay chuckle which just energized him even more, he hopped in his car and rode off.

He tried to think of all the things that could go down. Surely it wasn't a coincidence that Clay wanted to meet _there,_ right? That place stores such a history between them. Where they first...

 _Stop._ Sapnap knew he couldn't get his hopes up. Clay was after George. He could tell. The pain he gets whenever the two are on a call together is so real. It feels like physical pain. A stomach ache you just can't get rid of. But does Clay really love George? If so, does George love him back? Was Sapnap just making this up in his head? The intolerable pain made the seven-hour drive feel like five minutes. There was a moment of peace as the sunrose.

Something about the early morning lighting, the sky gradient colors, and the empty road made him feel better. Safer. It was euphoria, that only lasted for a couple of minutes. Pure bliss as he watched the sun fade onto the clouds, the truly divine vision is created. It was his favorite kind of sunrise, where the clouds were so close to the sun that the colors reflected on to them. The vibrant red, pink, and orange creating a harmony that was bliss to the eye.

That moment passed, however, as the sunlight became blinding. Other cars entered the road, and he was no longer alone. His mind was scrambled and he couldn't think straight. It may be from lack of sleep, maybe from hunger. The growling of his stomach was a constant reminder of the emptiness he felt both emotionally and physically. His feelings started to numb again as he grew closer and closer to the rest stop. 

Sudden panic rushed over him and he pulled over. He couldn't go to the rest stop. Not yet. He took out his phone and called the first person he could think of.

"Karl?"

"Hey Nick, what's up?"

"I have something to tell you. Actually, a lot. I need to tell you everything. Just to get it out. Please never repeat this. To anyone."

"Nick, you're scaring me. But ok."

"I'm in love with Clay. Not like friend love, but actual love. Every time I hear his voice I stop breathing. When we were kids, we had some type of relationship that was more than friends but we've never spoken about it again. He doesn't even seem to remember it. I'm going to see him right now. Long story short I'm coming from Flordia, he's coming from Texas, and we're meeting in the middle. We met here before when I first got my driver's license, and we had our first kiss there. But, Karl, the problem is Clay is in love with George. He hasn't told me but I have a feeling. Like, I just know. I don't know if George likes him back though. And I don't know what to do. I love Clay. So much. I love him more than anything. Every time I hear his laugh, the world feels so vibrant and bright. The second I get a text my whole world stops and feels like a dream. I don't know how. I don't know why. But I am so completely and utterly in love with him to the point where it hurts. It hurts so bad-"

"Nick." Karl breathed so lightly Nick almost missed it.

"What?"

"I was listening to your Spotify," He treaded lightly, not wanting to make Nick even more upset."Driver's License? Six hours on repeat?" Nick didn't know how to respond. He stayed quiet."Nick, I know you're in love with him. You don't hide it very well." Nick blushed, a smile shimmered across his face and he let out a small laugh."Clay's a fool if he doesn't love you back, but you can't keep being held upon him. If Clay does love George, talk to him about it. Get everything out in the open with him and figure it out. Together. Your friendship will only get worse if you keep all these feelings of jealousy and resentment hid away. I know you love him Nick, but maybe it's time to let him go."

"I don't want to though."

"But you have to."

Nick didn't know what to say. Karl made sense. Complete sense. He knew he should do what Karl said, but he didn't want the outcome he proposed. What if Clay does chose George over him. What happens if he becomes the second choice. He didn't want to be Clay's second choice.

"I love you, Nick."

"I love you too, Karl. I'll talk to you afterward."

Nick hang up the phone and made his way over to the rest stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayo short chapter. ps karl is so amazing love him


End file.
